Tingle Vs Evil Dog
by SunshineStorm
Summary: I had another bizarre Zelda related dream. It involved Tingle, me, my youngest brother, and an evil dog that told a story about Zelda's children and a recipe for the most delicious cookie ever.  Has characters from Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask
1. Part 1

_**Tingle Vs. Evil Dog**_

Part 1

Disclaimer/NOTE: Updated for grammar, etc.

This is the second Nintendo related dream I've had that I felt I should write down to share. Because of this odd occurrence, I looked deeply into my mirror and had a chat with my subconscious.

Me: I know the first dream I had was the result of being sick. What's the reason for this one?

_My Subconscious: *sigh* Think hard about what you ate after dinner. Here's a hint: red with sugar._

Me: Oh! That's right; I did eat licorice before bed. It was the licorice, right? Does this mean that if I eat licorice every night before bed, I'll have bizarre dreams all the time?

_MSC: No!_

Me: *confused* Which question does that answer?

_MSC: No!_

Me: Grrrrr. Fine, next questions. Why do both my dream fics include recipes for something? And secondly, obviously I don't own Nintendo related stuff like Tingle, but what about the rest? Are those ideas mine?

_MSC: Hmmm, the recipe repetition is kind of odd. I shall look into the matter. As for the second question, I'm not actually sure. We'll just play it safe and say the only thing I own is the Evil Dog._

Me: You weren't any help at all!

_MSC: Thank you! I do so rarely get any compliments from you._

Me: *sarcastic* Gee, I wonder why.

* * *

><p>I start hitting my head with my fists and my mom walks by with this expression: O.o<p>

I'm not too keen about inserting myself into things, but this was a dream, so I'll just go with it.

And I am not partial to any pairing. Whatever pairings I use are just part of how the story developed in my head.

My nine- year-old, blue-eyed, blond-haired brother, Josh, and I were playing Mario Kart for the Wii when a hobo dressed as Tingle fell through the roof right in front of the TV! How random is that?! What's going on? Why was a hobo on my roof to fall through it in the first plance? And as if a person standing in my line of vision wasn't enough, there was dust in my eyes and my lungs. The watering eyes and coughing and wondering thoughts distracted me from the game.

"Hey! I just lost because of you! I _never_ lose at Mario Kart. You will pay! I mean that literally, too! How am I supposed to explain a hole in the ceiling to my parents?!" As I ranted, the hobo stood up and brushed himself off. I saw that it wasn't just a hobo dressed as Tingle, but it was actually Tingle.

"Ha ha ha! That fall so must have hurt! How'd it happen?"

Tingle glared at me before answering, "There was a cat on the roof. It jumped unnaturally high and used its claws to pop my balloon."

Tingle started limping around my house. My brother and I couldn't help laughing when he tripped over the toys left lying around on the floor. Tingle maked an especially good spectacle of himself after stepping on a Lego piece, dancing around on one leg, stepping on another Lego piece, and then finally falling over onto a Lego tower Josh had just made.

Josh got mad at Tingle and threw a basketball at him. The ball bounced off of Tingle, hit the TV, and then hit Tingle again.

I screeched when I saw that the TV got broken: "You are paying for that, too!"

My little Yorkie mix came into the room to investigate all the noise. The little dog started barking at Tingle. Tingle got a gleam in his eyes and pulled out a giant bubble wand. He started chasing my dog, screaming, "Come back here Evil Dog!"

He chased her through the kitchen, slowing himself down by tripping over a rug and running head first into the wall. Josh ran after him, video taping all of this.

I threw my shoe at Tingle when he chased the dog back into the living room. He fell on his face. Then he started crawling toward my dog. I stepped on the back of his head.

"My dog may not be an angel, but she sure isn't Evil. Evil Dog lives across the street."

"Fine, then! Take me across the street to the room in the center of the creepy house where Evil Dog sits on his throne and tells stories that are bad!" Tingle pointed in the wrong direction while giving me these suspiciously specific orders.

I smacked him upside the head and led him and Josh to the house across from mine. Tingle had trouble crossing the street. He got hit by a car coming from the left. He got up and walked forward two steps and to be hit by a car on the right. To avoid another car in the street, Tingle walked backward and was hit by a car pulling out of a driveway. Tingle eventually made it to the other side.

"Good show!" I called out as Josh and I crossed.

We ignored the sign reading "Trespassers will be Trampled" and went into the unlocked house. It was dark and creepy inside, with only a few candles in holders along the walls. And it was also eerily quiet—as the home of a dog, I expected barking. Some of its rooms had dirt floors while others had stone floors. Out of curiosity, Josh and I followed Tingle into the house.

Josh freaked out when he saw the huge gold spiders all over. Tingle went up to one and nudged it. He's knocked halfway across the room.

"Don't worry, they can only hurt you if you get too close," he reassures us.

"Thanks…" I replied, taking a hold of Josh's hand.

We went to the next room. Tingle tripped over a loose stone in the floor. He fell forward into a giant spider web with a gold spider in it. The gold spider started chewing on Tingle's head. I pulled a candle from the wall. Josh and I stared at the flame for a long time because the fire was just so…mesmerizing before the muffled screams coming from the struggling weirdo caught in the web got annoying. So then I set the web on fire. The spider fled and Tingle was freed. He walked forward into the still-flaming spider web so that his left arm caught on fire. He dropped to the floor and rolled onto his right side. I walked over and kicked him onto his other side. When the flames were out, he jumped up, singed but otherwise seemed okay.

We walked through a few more rooms before coming across one with a stone floor and a throne directly in the middle of it. The throne was decorated with scenes depicting Tingle being tortured and/or dying in lots of different ways. Sitting on the throne was a white toy poodle.

Josh hid behind me, pointed to the poodle, and said, "_This_ is Evil Dog. He knocks me over every time I try to play outside. He always pushes me in the mud, so I get in trouble for getting dirty."

Josh was ignored. I spoke up next, "What's with the pictures on your throne?"

The poodle shrugged. "Tingle and I are archenemies," he stated plainly.

This sent Tingle into a frenzy. He pulled out his giant bubble wand and launched himself at the dog. He overshot the throne and sent himself flying into the back wall. Tingle crawled to the front of the throne and attempted to stand up.

Evil Dog pulled out two waffles. He started eating one and threw the other at Tingle. Then he threw a tube of toothpaste. Tingle picked up the toothpaste and spread some on the waffle in front of him.

"Okay, since you guys came all the way here to see me, I'll tell you a story."

Evil Dog finished this line and then Tingle, who was still on the ground, started choking: "There are sprinkles in this waffle! Are you trying to kill me?!"

"I threw it at you just as something to throw at you. It's your own stupid fault for eating it, you imbecile. Then again, I must admit that eating it was a brilliant idea on your part. And yes, I will get around to killing you eventually. Now back to my story."

As it turns out, Evil Dog's story was about Zelda's children. It is long and doesn't make much sense. This is the story:

_Many years after Ganondorf was defeated, Link and Zelda got married. Soon after, Link left on a very long mission to save a far off land that someone else could have saved. Zelda got lonely. She made a bad choice and had an affair with a leprechaun. Link came home a week after the leprechaun went back to his own realm. Two months later, Zelda went on a looooong trip to visit an old friend, or so Link believed that's what she was doing in order to get back at him for going on such a long journey. She came back seven months later. See, what really happened was that Zelda had gone off and had twin boys. One was half leprechaun and the other was a mini Link. Zelda had been unsure as to whose child she'd been carrying and left Link so he would never find out about the affair (and he never did). Zelda left the leprechaun baby with Saria to raise and the mini Link with Ruto. Zelda went back to Link and they had a daughter a year later._

_Both boys had odd upbringings. They both knew they were adopted but they were content with their lives._

_One random day, Saria kicked out her half leprechaun son, Leap; she did this with good intentions, of course. She told him to go on a journey. Leap decided to introduce himself to his half-sister. He went to Hyrule Castle Town. The guards refused to let Leap into the castle. Zelda saw Leap and sent her only daughter, Izzy, to spend time with her brother. Izzy was very smart and by age 11, had figured out what had happened before she was born. Zelda trusted Izzy enough to tell her the whole story. Izzy sided with her mother, believing her father to be in the wrong to leave Zelda for so long and kept the secret from her father._

_So when Leap showed up outside of the castle, Izzy was eager to meet him. They had a grand time getting to know each other. After a day, Izzy brought up Zelda's other secret: the recipe for the ultimate cookie. Izzy explained that each of Zelda's children had a locket with a clue to where the recipe was located._

_The two came to the agreement that they must look for Leap's twin brother. The only information they had on him was that Ruto had married a sea creature in the human realm. Leap and Izzy went and used the realm-hopping object that turned out to be a hairbrush._

_The brother and sister were transported to a beach, each holding a copy of the original hairbrush. To make it work, you used it like a real brush._

_Izzy studied the object in her hand: "How the hell does a bald person use this thing?"_

_Leap just shook his head, unable to answer. He looked around and spotted a cave to the right of where they stood. They went to it._

_There were voices from inside:_

"_Mother isn't coming back! It's just like what happened with Father," a female voice said._

"_I can't believe you're just giving up. Mother always believed," a male voice replied._

"_And that's likely why she's gone now!"_

_Izzy's face grew determined and she marched into the cave._

_She immediately spotted Leap's twin because he looked like a clone of Link._

"_Daddy?" Izzy muttered._

"_HUH?" the Link clone said, turning to face the uninvited guest._

"_Who are you?" the girl asked. She looked a lot like Ruto, but seemed paler in color and more human._

_Izzy shook herself, "Hi! I'm Izzy and this is Leap." Leap walked over to Izzy when she waved him over._

"_Before we tell you who we are, why don't you explain what's going on?"_

"_Suuure. Our father disappeared less than a year ago. He just went to work and never came home. Our mother was very upset over it, but she was strong and very stubborn. Once in a while, she goes out to search for him. We think that's what she was doing yesterday morning, but she hasn't come back yet and she never leaves us for more than 17.2 hours but it's been 26.9 hours. I bet the same thing that happened to Father happened to her," the girl said._

"_Sure, it could be that. Or maybe she found out we're dating," Link clone stated._

_What they found out much later was that their father died in an accident involving clown fish and their mother found out about their relationship and went for a swim to clear her head but she got captured by fishermen who mistook her for a mermaid and she spent much of the rest of her life in an aquarium._

"_Cool," Izzy said, clapping her hands together, "We are his long-lost siblings. We've come to invite you to join us on out mission to find the recipe for the ultimate cookie, especially since you have the last clue."_

"_You're dating? Aren't you siblings?" Leap pointed out._

"_Well, yeah. But Waterfall and I aren't related by blood." Link clone countered Leap's remark._

"_Pfft, Waterfall?" Izzy barely kept her laughter contained, "Ha ha ha! If you abbreviate Waterfall, you get WTF!"_

_Waterfall was confused, "Hey! What is that supposed to mean?" she lashed out before bothering to think it through, "TELL ME! What the fff-! Oh! I get it!"_

_Leap rolled his eyes._

"_So what's your name?" he asked the Link look-a-like._

"_My name is Link Junior. Just call me LJ."_

_Izzy looked like she wanted to say something but LJ held up his hand to stop her, "I know what you're thinking. Our mother didn't have much of an imagination. She couldn't even come up with normal names. I mean, I look the same as Link—or so I've been told—so that is the name I was given and Waterfall was born only feet away from a waterfall."_

"_I'll say!" exclaimed WTF, "Mother also had no clue as to what was or was not socially acceptable. Remember that time we had to move because the neighbors walked in on us playing with those weird toys we found in—"_

"_Okay! No need to bring up the past," LJ interrupted. He directed his next comment at Leap, "Aren't we twins? You're kinda short; even shorter than the girls. Do you have a pot of gold? You know, since you're part leprechaun and all."_

_Leap shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths._

_LJ kept talking, "You know, you're making fun of our names, but what about yours? Huh? __**Leap**__, like I like to leap and prance around like a princess."_

_Leap smiled serenely, "Actually, it came from the fact that my mom __**leapt**__ to the conclusion that I was an illegitimate child."_

_LJ attacked Izzy's name after getting that lame reaction from his twin: "What's your story? Is Izzy a nickname for a normal name like Isabel?"_

"_Nope. It comes from lizard. My mom craved lizard guts and almonds when she was pregnant with me. So she named me Izzy. I suspect my name would have actually been Lizard if I'd been a boy."_

"So then—"

A very loud, ear-splitting screech interrupted Evil Dog. Evil Dog glared at the ghost of a Great Fairy who had floated through the wall. The Great Fairy blinked and floated downward until it was gone.

* * *

><p><em>Note<em>: On to part 2!


	2. Part 2

_**Tingle Vs. Evil Dog**_

Part 2

Evil Dog licked his right paw and continued his story.

"_Tell us about the ultimate cookie recipe!" Waterfall demanded since she had no interest in the origin of their names. Izzy explained the details. LJ showed them his locket. Leap, Izzy, and LJ rearranged the letters inscribed on the lockets to spell "Malon." The four got excited and immediately transported themselves back to Hyrule to track down Malon._

_They found her on Lon Lon Ranch, of course._

"_She's so _old_," Waterfall observed on first seeing Malon. The group was standing near the paddock where Malon was petting a small horse._

"_Yeah, there was this tragic accident when I was a little kid. Apparently Malon had a…disagreement with these witches. They took what was left of her youth." Izzy knew many Hylians' backgrounds since she was her mother's heir and a huge gossip._

"_Hey! Old Lady! Do you have the recipe to make the ultimate cookie?" LJ said loudly._

"_What? Receipt for the ulcer rookie? That doesn't make any sense, young man."_

_Leap rolled his eyes, WTF giggled hysterically, and Izzy sighed and asked again._

"_Miss Malon, do you know where the ultimate cookie recipe is located?" she questioned in a clear, sweet voice._

"_Oh, Honey, that thing has been missing for decades. The last place I remember it being was in the barn."_

"_Thank you. We are going to go search for it, if you don't mind," Leap said._

"_Sure, go right ahead. Just don't spook the cows; they can act real strange when spooked."_

_The four eagerly entered the barn. There was a huge cow in the doorway. LJ suggested they tip the cow. Waterfall suggested that they kill it. Izzy thought they should just move it. Leap stayed silent. In the end, they tried moving it. The cow did not like being touched. It stood on its hind legs, did a jig and then charged like a bull. LJ climbed into the rafters. They all ran out, shutting the door quickly and went to talk to Malon again._

_This time Malon thought the recipe might be in the secret room in the storage building on the other side of the ranch. They went there and studied the small opening. They all voted to send Leap through it since he was the smallest one. He consented and chanted weird things in an attempt not to be offended at being small as he crawled. He reached the other side and calmly shifted through the boxes. The three who couldn't fit through the hole were discussing their childhoods while they ignored what seemed to be the sound of bombs exploding._

"_It is definitely not in there," he reported when he was back on the other side. His clothes were ragged and burned…_

_Waterfall cursed. Izzy tapped her foot impatiently. LJ ate bugs. No one bothered to ask Leap what had happened to him. They went back to Malon after Leap cleaned up. She sent them to many other places on the ranch where the recipe was not._

"_We're going to have to turn this whole stinking ranch upside down!" LJ yelled._

"_Calm down," Izzy ordered him. She went back to Malon._

"_If the recipe is not on the ranch, where would it be?"_

"_Well, in that case, it would be under the ranch!"_

_The fed up group went back to the barn where Leap said he thought he'd glimpsed a trap door. They sent LJ in first. The cow charged him. LJ climbed into the rafters. The cow ignored the other three as they cautiously filed in. Leap was right—there was a trap door. They left LJ and went down into the dark. Izzy lit some candles Malon had randomly given her when they had first gone into the barn, realizing it had been a hint._

_One glance at the room and they blew out their candles._

"_Did you guys see the same thing I did?" Izzy asks._

"_It looked like like like…" Leap trailed off._

"_I am so glad LJ couldn't come in here. He would be scarred for life," Waterfall added._

_To their horror, the room was a shrine dedicated to Link and Epona—adult edition. There were many pictures that are too graphic to describe._

_The trap door opened and LJ came in. He had miraculously gotten the cow outside._

"_Hey, guys. Why's it so dark in here?"_

_Izzy lit her candle again. LJ's high-pitched scream of terror broke all of the glass in Hyrule._

"_Help! Oh, my god! Please! Someone. Kill me. NOW!" LJ dropped to his knees, begging. When no one reacted, he scurried back into the barn and curled up in a corner. He would never be quite the same after seeing such pictures of someone who looked so similar to him._

_The three still inside the nightmare room blinked a few times and started searching for the recipe. The desire never to come back to the room made them search very carefully._

_Waterfall held up a body-length pillow that had a life-size picture of Link as the pillow case (I will let you decide whether the picture was decent or not)._

"_You don't think it's in here, do you? I mean, that's so cliché."_

_Leap shrugged, "Check it."_

_Waterfall found the open side near the feet. She reached in and found a piece of paper near the picture's crotch._

"_I got it! I got it!" Leap grabbed the paper out of her hand._

"_This isn't the recipe. It's a list of what Malon wants to do with Link if they ever…" All three shuddered._

"_Try again," Izzy suggested. Waterfall found another piece of paper near the head._

_This time Izzy looked over the paper: "This is it! It's the recipe for the most delicious cookie in the realm!"_

_After a brief happy dance, Izzy temporarily cured LJ by showing him the recipe. LJ was so happy for the wonderful distraction, he led the others outside. _

_But there, in the middle of the paddock was the next horror to be witnessed by the four. It was Malon standing in front of a giant cake that had a hole in the middle. The reason for the hole: Ingo covered in cake, stripping for Malon. Malon was singing "Happy Birthday" to herself. Waterfall and Izzy gagged. LJ zoned out. Leap fainted._

_They eventually got a hold of themselves and fled to the castle. As it turned out, the whole day was just plain unlucky for them. As they are walking through Castle Town, a white dog knocked over Leap and ran off with the ultimate cookie recipe. Leap hit his head when he was knocked over so he was left lying there. LJ had almost caught up with the dog when a random little kid threw a ball at him and he tripped. Izzy was then the closest to the dog. But then her crazy stalker fan jumped from the shadows where he'd been lurking grabbed her arm, and tried to kiss her. Waterfall was the last one left. She failed when the dog ran into an alley with a bunch of other dogs and it was impossible to tell them apart._

_After meeting up at the fountain, the group went to Zelda and told her about what had happened. She took pity on them for 70.237 seconds and then sent them to scrub the floors in the kitchen as punishment for failing to bring back the recipe._

_In a nearly disastrous moment, Link walked into the kitchen to get a snack._

_Izzy stood up, "Hi, Daddy! You may be wondering what we're doing in here—Mummy sent us on a mission and we failed so we're being punished. What are you doing in here?"_

"_I want to eat pig's feet. Do I know you? You look familiar," by this time, Link had spotted LJ._

"_You don't know him, Daddy. He is one of your distant relatives, though. Mom tracked him down and sent him with us."_

_Link shrugged, accepted this as the truth, grabbed some crackers, pig's feet, and bat saliva, and then walked out._

_As soon as Izzy was done scrubbing floors, she ordered some guards to put up a sign in front of Lon Lon Ranch. The sign read "Enter at your own risk. Warning: There is a 99.08% you will be mentally scarred if you interact with the people who own/work on this property." A year later, Lon Lon Ranch was set on fire. Malon moved into Hyrule Castle Town with catastrophic results that no one wants to know about. Malon became an even worse bother when Ruto came back to Hyrule. She had finally escaped the aquarium and found out her husband was dead and her children missing. Ruto somehow managed to transport a whole house that landed on a couple of witches. Malon was freed from her curse as an old lady when the witches died and was now middle-aged. This reformed Malon, and she didn't terrorize people with her indecency until she became an old woman again._

_The ultimate cookie recipe was mostly forgotten for the dog that'd taken it had vanished…_

"And this is where I vanished to!" Evil Dog said proudly, holding up the recipe for the ultimate cookie.

"It took me so long to get to this realm. After I successfully got the recipe, I hid out in Termina. Somehow, this rivalry thing started with Tingle. After a near death experience involving a moon, I found a way to get here."

Tingle sat contentedly on the floor, eating toothpaste. He gave information on how the rivalry started, "I felt a need to impress my father. I heard about the recipe from an owl and tried to take it from the _dog._"

"So, back to me. The tragic thing is that I have paws. I have no way of making this recipe! Every time I approached a human about it, they freaked at the talking dog and ran out on me. Then I thought I could bring Tingle here and we could work together to make it, but I can see now that it's an impossibility. Luckily, Tingle has brought me you two humans. You can make this recipe! Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Josh had fallen asleep and I was drawing designs in the dirt floor with my finger.

"I'm sorry; what did you say? Was the reason you told us this story to bore us to death? 'Cause it didn't work, but it almost did. Hey, how did you get your name anyway? Officially, I mean."

"The phrase most people called after me was 'evil little dog' or 'stupid dog' or something similar. I just edited until I got a name I could live with."

Josh, Tingle, and I grew tired of this conversation.

"That's great and all, but how about you entertain me now since I did you a favor by listening to your story," I said.

Evil Dog howled and a bunch of gold spiders dress Tingle in a bright pink tutu and forced him to Riverdance. When Tingle got too close to the throne, Evil Dog pulled a lever. Tingle fell down a trap door with rainbow-colored poles at the bottom. Evil Dog laughed and started muttering about giant vacuum powered pipes running through the house.

After a lot of screaming, Tingle suddenly dropped from the ceiling. He stood up and walked toward Evil Dog with his bubble wand held high. He swiped at the talking dog sitting on the throne. The bubble wand was suddenly caught in a tangle of spider webs. There were more webs around Evil Dog, protecting him. Josh and I got bored again. We sat in a corner and play Go Fish with cards that a spider dropped from a web.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! These spiders are man-eating monsters!" Tingle yelled. He ran in circles until I stuck out my foot and tripped him. Tingle fell, hit his head, and was put in a coma that lasted for the rest of his life. Even in his comatose state, he would say strange things like "oranges in the bathtub," "bug spray in my pot," "must get cookies," and "spiders love the dog."

The spiders had puny brains so they did not realize they put their master in a cocoon of webs that becomes so thick, it was impenetrable. I laughed at the muffled shouts that came from inside the white cocoon. I was overjoyed to find that Evil Dog had dropped the recipe on the floor. I picked it up, took Josh outside, and set the house on fire after I saw the spiders drag out the cocoon and a never-again-to-be-conscious Tingle.

Josh and I went home, made the recipe and started a successful business thanks to the recipe.

* * *

><p><em>Note<em>: I go back to the mirror to talk to my subconscious again.

Me: What was the point of that?

_MSC: There was a point? Where?_

Me: That's what I want to know!

_MSC: What's the point in you asking me anything?_

Me: Don't change the subject! I want to know the point of that dream/story thing I just typed up in order to get it out of my head.

_MSC: I did not change the subject. We were talking about the point of something, which was the subject. I merely changed what the point belonged to._

Me: But isn't what the point belongs to also a point?

_MSC: What are you talking about?_

Me: I don't know anymore—I am so confuzzled!

_MSC: *in an eerily soothing voice* It's okay. I know how to make it aaaall better after you fall asleep._

Me: …

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this on some level of your existence.


End file.
